My world as i know it...

Sometimes you just have to realize that things aren’t going to be how they use to be. You can’t always expect to have the fun days at work, can’t always expect that you see your friends all the time, or even have the some people in your life at all.

Yea it sucks, but it’s like you have to learn to get over it. Like you literally have to grow up and learn that life is anything but a fairy tale. Yea I got the gist of it a long time ago of knowing prince charming will not come save me and be in my life forever. I’m still waiting on some version of that guy…

But anyway, I’m just trying to say…I miss the way life use to be. It seemed like everything flashed forward and is changing at a rapid speed. My friends and I are distant, like I spend more time with my coworkers and family members (like how did that happen?). I’m so focused on school that I don’t even pick up my phone and text anybody anymore.

Truth is, if this is apart of growing up…I like it. I like living for myself. I love the feeling of knowing I’m going to hang out with friends so far in advance that I actually get excited for it. I love knowing that I’m working on a goal or a main purpose. Striving and working on something. Myself.

Don’t’ get me wrong I miss just hanging out and doing absolutely nothing with my friends. Hopefully when my crazy year is up they will all still be there. Is that too much to ask? I don’t feel like I’m ditching everybody, I just feel so bad and guilty about not being there with any of them.

But maybe that is the price I have to pay…just to better myself.

Dear best friends of mine…

I told one of you earlier that I would make my first blog post dedicated to you guys…and you thought I was joking. But I was sooo serious.

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

I was talking about you guys the other day, and I got emotional. Yea I know typical me…but really I am truly blessed to have you guys in my life.

I admit things haven’t always been the best with us…one of you I misunderstood from an early age. The other one I didn’t take very seriously (that was after I knew you existed lol). But maybe that just wasn’t the right time for us to be friends.

Instead I wanted to be friends with people who at the end really weren’t friends. They were just people there to fill the void. So I wouldn’t be lonely (which is one of my biggest fears I am coming to learn). People I thought who made me look good. People I thought who had my best interests at heart. I walked away learning a lot but at the same time I walked away with self-doubt, bad reputation, and etc. I feel like I missed out on so much, but I can’t blame them for that. Out of all of those girls how many of them are actually around now?

After high school, I made plenty of mistakes. Mistakes that put me in the mindset that I really could never trust anybody. Especially men. I went through this period where I hated them and avoided them altogether even as friends. A lot of people dropped me because of those mistakes and didn’t want anything to do with me because I wasn’t the person they thought I was. Some were even ashamed…I don’t blame them. Those mistakes will haunt me for the rest of my life.

But after that horrible ordeal…you guys someway somehow came about. I admit I was always friendly to you two. And when you guys got to know me on the surface…I fought like hell to keep you guys out from learning anything else about me. I am known for having so many walls up that once people think they figure me out…I completely close up or flip the script and run away.

You are the one who always finds a way to make me laugh. Over things that a grown ass woman shouldn’t be laughing about. I admit I am mean to you at times. But I mean it you are truly the best girlfriend I never had lol. I wish you would realize your potential and wouldn’t let other things cloud your judgement. I feel like if you trust yourself , and get to know yourself you will be one hell of a guy. I know things have been awkward with your potential move (that I hope and pray more than anything doesn’t happen)…but if you move I want you to know that I will bitch, moan, and complain and give you hell before you go. I know out of anger I even said I would end our friendship. But I will truly miss you. I just want you to be happy. Just wish you knew you could find happiness here as well if you gave it a chance. You and I are like two peas in a pod…we finish each others sentences…and we just like driving and listening to our music that we know most of the world wouldn’t want to hear. It’s funny people ask where is my partner in crime when they don’t see you with me. Our inside jokes that nobody else understands and even gets offended about lol. I watched you grow up…it’s weird you were this church boy who use to piss me off because of all your narrow minded views that made me wish you would go stand in the middle of the freeway somewhere. But now you are more accepting of things. You don’t lecture me like you use to, thank goodness. But I seen you loosen up and just almost live. You aren’t there yet but I will force it out of you lol

To you the other person who makes me laugh. But over things that should 70% of the time should not be funny.  You are the friend I go to for advice the most. I mean you don’t always like to give it…and if I ask about the same thing you don’t like to repeat yourself and give me the “really ray” response lol. But I need to hear it. I admit I do know the answer…but it’s like I need your judgement and your feel of it. You understand people the most. You have the power to know instantly if you will like someone or not in a very short time. You have an uncanny way of predicting things as if you have some secret magic crystal ball we don’t know about. When you enlisted and was taken away it hurt. I think I realized then how much you really meant to me. It was like the couch (sorry only thing I can think of lol) that I always went to, to relax, vent, and find comfort…disappeared one day. I took advantage of you being there. I forgot that you had a life, and dreams and goals. And when I found out what it was I was SUPER pissed off. I honestly did not want to talk to you. But you two played me into seeing you lol. I really cried when you left for boot camp…you were the first friend I ever cried over leaving. I had friends move away before…but idk this was different. I remember all of my residents asking where you went and it hurt. It just reminded me that I took advantage of you being around…because all those other girls would have killed to have you as a bro lol. Like I said before I misunderstood you…then even in high school I hated you. Because you saw behind the “perfect happy me” mask. That I wasn’t a very happy person. And that the smiles I showed to the world were fake. So I hated you wanted you to stay as far away because you were going to figure me out. I just use to see you as a know it all. But in reality you were just a realist with a specialization in seeing through BS. But you have become one of my nearest and dearest friends who I admire and aspire to be. And that’s a first for me. I have never admired a friend before.

The best times to me when it was the three of us…it didn’t matter if you were moving me out of the dorms…just to move me back in…just to move me back out…just to move me back in….just to be back out again….and back…then out lol. Or if it was a random movie…you guys would attend chick flicks with me. But you two of course would talk through all of it…and remind me how ridiculous it all was. Or  some action flick that I would always end up liking because I was never allowed to be that girl before. You two helped with me liking anime and mangas when all of my old friends told me I was ridiculous for even liking.  Sad thing is you guys gave me almost a guy mindset in the world…But if anything you just proved to me that something I once despised and hated…was something I had to understand. I know there has been some bumps in the road with friends that come and go…and it always seems like it’s my fault. Also people always think I’m dating one of you (eww btw lol). Or we just revert back to the people we use to be…before we found each other. We still stick together…

You guys taught me a lot:

1.       I am an emotional person…and that ice queen that I taught myself to be wasn’t me at all.

2.       That it’s okay to wear sweats and a little make up…I don’t have to try so hard.

3.       That guys are not all bad…there is a only a few rotten ones…that just give a bad impression of the rest of you.

4.       That I could be comfortable around guys and no need to let my anxiety ruin everything

5.       That asking for help doesn’t make me weak

6.       That I once was a spoiled brat…and that the world isn’t/wasn’t going to bow down at my feet

7.       How crazy and freaking childish girls could be..including me

8.       That I could trust

9.       That I am a decent/okay person

10.   …taco meat…sushi…seabiscuit lol

11.   That friends come from the strangest places…lets be real I didn’t even give you guys a chance until my friends dated you…sad I’m friends with my old friends exes lol

12.   That I can be vulnerable

13.   That I can really truly care for somebody outside of myself.

14.   That my horrible defense mechanisms harm more than help

15.   And lastly…that it was just okay to be me…and not to change for anyone

People often laugh and say why do I have two guys as my best friends anyway? I really cannot answer the question. I think maybe if people think about it and realize that there is no set standard for friendships and that it’s more about quality instead of quantity, and whatever reason you have the friends you have…you could miss out on a truly wonderful friendship if you have some preconceived notion on how friends should be.

So I know you two are like why this letter? Why now? Because things are about to change for us. And if we do part ways I wanted you guys to know how I feel. I love you guys. You brought out the best in me…let me stop before I pull out every cliché I can think of. But just know that I appreciate you. I’m not the best at showing this…and I thought I should write it out.

But most of all…thank you for being the best loving, caring, crazy, funny, sarcastic, twisted, and etc guy friends a girl like me could ever have!